Noel Luis Rios

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My cousin Noel's name is on the wall. He died in Viet Nam. I can't truthfully say that I think about him often but he surfaces every now and then. These emails trip me off because, for the second time this month, I am participating in a coincidence, this time involving him.

When we were young we all lived in Newark and we looked up to him because he, Richard and Mario - who lived in New York - were the oldest of the male cousins. They were our role models. He hung out with the older wing of the cousin posse and was one of the toughs. Pretty guy, white Mendez skin, dark and intense eyes, slicked back hair, waterfall. At any rate, that's how I remember him. I also remember that he went off to war proudly. He was missing in action and we all waited for years, hoping it was just a terrible mistake.

I was in a bar recently with a friend. She has two sons who are also proudly and unhesitatingly serving their country and they are doing it in advance and special ops units. We are all worried for them. Somehow we got into a conversation about war stuff: "Support Bush." "We shouldn't be running off to do it much less not challenging the decisional process." We had fallen into the quicksand of the war debate.

I flashed on Noel and how he had gone off so gung ho and to my aunt and uncle's years of grief. I became at once angry at his hubris and sorry for our loss. I had tapped into a Sixties/Seventies angst like a contact bummer and it made me sad and worried for all of the Noels who are yet to come. And even though my cousin would probably still gladly go off with the two brothers in search of Osama - I invoked his name as a statement of my personal investment in the war and to give my protestations legitimacy. "I have a cousin on the wall."

I take no great pride in knowing that I have diminished his memory by invoking it for nothing better than to make a point or that in the process I had also unintentionally hurt a dear friend's feelings by bringing up the prospect of a new wall.

As we lumber towards the war and its necessary debate we must keep in mind that we are all family.

(3/5/2003)

P.S.: FAMILY HAS BEEN REUNITED.

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